Because people insist on sending me chain emails, I take special delight in forming wise-ass responses. So for all of those not in my immediate family and thus privy to my wise-ass manifesto, I give you my responses to:

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
-First of all, is this woman really qualified to give such advice? Is she a certified therapist? And regardless, she's 90. Do I need to break out the stats on dementia in the elderly or can grandma take it from here?

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. -
-This really is an over-simplification. I prefer a brief scene from the David Bowie film Labyrinth when the main character Sarah says "That's not fair" for about the 9th time, Mr. Bowie as Jareth replies "You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is."

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
- Is this to avoid the onset of panic from looking at the big picture and realizing you're fucked? Then I agree. But I would have worded it "Don't look at the big picture because you'll realize just how fucked you are and panic."

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
- I disagree. Hating people makes me feel better about myself.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
- Looks like Regina is a little behind on the times here. If your employer provides healthcare, then yes, they take care of you when you're sick. But in Regina's case, Medicaid takes care of her when she's sick. But that's about to go bankrupt, so Regina, don't look at the big picture because you're fucked.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
- My advice is to stick to debit cards, which take care of themselves.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
- Better advice is to learn the smile and the nod. When you realize you're right and the other person is clearly suffering from some sort of brain disability that doesn't allow them to see logically, you smile, nod and imagine them on fire in your head.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
- I tried this, didn't work. I didn't even get a second date.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
- First, prove to me that God exists. Then we'll talk.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
- That depends. My first paycheck came at age 15. All of it went to crap I didn't need. I think it worked out well in the long run.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
- I can better relate to "When it comes to hot hate sex with a stranger, resistance is futile." Get with the times Regina.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
- If you ignore something long enough, you will forget it. Right Regina? Can you remember your past? Didn't think so.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
- No it's not. It just frightens us and then when we find ourselves in a pool of urine the next morning, we're going to resent you for the reemergence of our bed wetting habit.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- This is true; we all have differing opinions on the band Journey. Personally, my relationship ended when Steve Perry left the band.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
- Oh so Romeo and Juliet had it wrong then? You would say that! They were in love! How could you Regina! AArrrghhhhh blllaalahhh

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
- Like Big Brother? That's creepy.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
- That depends on the type of smoke you're inhaling.

17.. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
- How am I going to explain that to my mom's cats? How?

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
- Tell that to Beth in Little Women. Scarlet fever didn't help her much.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
-Then I better not hear any shit the next time I wear my Jem t-shirt to a wedding. I'm just creating a better childhood for myself.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
- Shorten it. I can't get that all into a conversation with a man before the drugs kick in and he passes out.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
- You're right! Today's the day I sit around the house and watch TV in my best lingerie!

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
- This is a good piece of advice, but needs to be clarified. I can help; stock up on tampons so when Aunt Flo comes to call at 2am you're not a bloody mess driving around town looking for a CVS.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
- Should read "Don't wait for old age to wear pigeon crap"

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
- I wish my brain would leave me alone during sex. Then I could concentrate on getting off rather than last night's episode of Lost.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
- My good friend Jack Daniels begs to differ.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
- When the test reads positive, yes, yes it will matter in five years.

27. Always choose life.
- Hmmm, that sounds like a little anti-abortion rhetoric to me. What's your agenda here Regina? Shoot any doctors in church lately?

28. Forgive everyone everything.
- I'll forgive them once karma has done its job.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
- Unless those 12 people form what is commonly known as a "jury".

30.. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
- Define "almost"

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
- Now you're just making shit up and trying to make it sound good.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
- I'll keep that in mind during presentations and interviews.

33. Believe in miracles.
- Show me evidence.

34. God loves you because of who God is , not because of anything you did or didn't do.
- Again, show me evidence.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
- Great, I'll save the auditing for my in-depth autobiography.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
- Can't wait to use that one the next time grandma gripes about her knees!

37. Your children get only one childhood.
- Can I cite rule 19? Isn't it up to my children if they get a second shot at childhood? And shouldn't that second childhood erase the years of damage from the first? Your rules have more plot holes than that movie The Lake House.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
- Sure, but I'd like to accomplish some things as well.

39. Get outside every day.. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
- If your definition of a miracle is a bug, then yes, they are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we’d grab ours back.
I'm not sure about that; let me see this so-called "pile" first.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
- That's only true for those with trust funds.

42. The best is yet to come.
- I think that every weekend, then "the best" turns out to be a hangover.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- I'm pretty sure that's how the flu spreads.

44. Yield.
- Unless your plates read "New Jersey", apparently the rules of the road don't apply to you or your SUV.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
- But if you're David Carradine, it will end with a bow. (Too soon?)